Dear Diary,
haiz. there's a fact that I cant deny myself: For the past 8 months, i have NEVER BEEN HAPPY BEFORE

i thought i can bluff myself by appearing happy, nthing much happening... but deep down my heart, i can't. Somehow or rather, there is always smth heavy in my heart. anytime anywhere.

at around 1am, i heard my mum crying at a corner. i knew smth is wrong and went to console her. i koe she has a lot of things in her mind.. i was just her emotional support. talk with her, lent a listening ear.

office politics. family. health. so many problems. i know she not happy working in that company. but what can i do or rather she do? at age 48, who would want to employ and how much would be the salary be... all these back stabbing, office politics.. dirty tricks behind your back in office, gossips... it only makes me more determine to succed in life.

i always try to be focus when it come to school work. i want to do well in my diploma and go into oversea uni. i want to be someone where ppl can look up to.

i dont want to follow in the footstep of my parents. my dad hands pain, all over plasters. all i can do is massage him to lessen the pain and other than that, i really don koe what else to do. my mum so stress in work... i can only lent a shoulder for her to cry on. but when i sad, who can i talk/cry on? perhaps my online diary. though the diary has no response, but at least, is a budren off my mind i feel.

my ah ma has been hinting to me that she want to go malaysia and so we decide to go this sat.
but in fact, i am so tired. so many project stuff work to do. but i koe, my ah ma really want to travel, and now she already 73 yrs old, if she can walk now, why not.. recently, i have been thinking how am i going to do if my ah ma who take care of me died... no idea why i have think of such stuff though. the least i can say is that i have keep her accompany whenever i have the time, talk to her everytime.. bring her out.

i feel so low in confidence now. i dare not face my relatives cos of the $ owe them... i dare not face my project mates cos i feel i dont do well in projects. i dont sare face strangers/ passer by cos i dont have the confidence to even look up. when one confidence is low, its really just... argh.

after talking with my mum, i think of so many things. what do people look at me? what am i in their eyes? am i a good friend? how can i improve myself? i somehow rather feel I am like very lowly regarded in my present class. i am not as happy as before.

Even when the slighest thing happen, i think a lot. why this, why that... for example: recently many of my friends celebrate their birthday. just this week alone, i think have 5 humans. and their birthday seem so nice to them. presents. dinner. company. but i think back mine, what did i have? i just casually tell to some of my fren that why i did not have this kind of celebration or present, and the ans was nextime. of cos , i dun blame my friends cos i koe if i am in their shoe, i would say the same thing. but i would really be Very very very happy if anyone can celebrate with me.

thanks diary for listening so much.

xxxxx jaRen –Yong jiA--

xxxxx 20 yrs old

xxxxx TemaseK polYtechniCcc

xxxxx Tourism Student (hospitality)

xxxxx Kem football club member

xxxxx Sentosa Academy football club member

xxxxx Wheel chair ( lammers)club

xxxxx SEA River Club

xxxxx Jersey no: 11, 3

xxxxx ex-manjusri wushu club

xxxxx love his ah ma